And You Thought Sons Are Preferred Because They Are Special...

Heard about violence against women in India? I bet you did. But men are not having a great life either. Find out the TOP OPPRESSION on Indian Men.

Since last few years, heart wrenching crimes against Indian women have come up in the media and brought India under the spotlight of international shame. While 92 women are still raped everyday in this country, there is no doubt that women’s safety is at high risk. Domestic Violence, stalking and other gender based crimes are highly prevalant in all cities and villages.

However, overlooking at the larger state of this nation, one could assume that while women are oppressed under the patriarchal society, men must be enjoying a great life. Or at least this is how it seems or is certainly easier to tell ourselves.

This is hardly the case though. Truth is always disturbing, uncomfortable and no one wants to talk about it, so I decided to go ahead and do the messy work of shedding light on that. This is in no way any comparison of men’s pains with those of women.

Infanticide or preferential killing of the girl child in India has risen in alarming numbers so much that the ratios of the entire regions have flunked. A girl child is NOT preferred, we got that! A baby boy is however welcome, we know that too J

Allow me to mention a shameful statistic here:

More women (81%) than men (76%) showed a preference for sons.

Can you guess why there is a preference for sons?

One of the top reasons is because he will earn money.

It sounds pretty natural and normal but it is far more twisted than it sounds.

In most families, men are the sole breadwinners. This makes them responsible to feed several mouths for their entire lives.

With the rise of the middle class, the unbearable income inequality and materialistic/capitalistic society, men feel the heat to not only feed those mouths but also maintain the family’s so called status.

If they earn a meager wage or take interest in social causes instead of working 9 to 5 at a corporate firm, they are ridiculed by their own parents, wives and siblings. Their worth is defined by their salary. No matter how young, dumb or impolite a guy is, as long as he belongs to a rich family, he will get the best girl he puts his finger on.

On the other hand, guys from the struggling class demand everything from a house to a vehicle from the girl’s family as dowry because they feel they deserve to get stuff in return as this is their one and only chance and achievement. While guys demand dowry and shamelessly feel they deserve it, girls are not innocent either. They give their fathers a hard time if they do not build a heavy dowry for her wedding. I have seen girls blame their parents for their divorces because they forgot to add the ‘power steering’ feature in the car they put up for her dowry.

Other men I see who flee to foreign countries for work, they are so disheartened with their families, they accept that they are nothing more than money making machines for their families.

They have to put up dowry for their sisters so they squeeze more out of the bride’s family and thus the cycle continues.

The twisted and sick way our society works has made men the donkeys that only exist to earn and pay our bills. Hence, they resort to violence as and when they please and barely ever say it out loud that they are struggling with financial issues. Not every guy is a millionaire but every family has expenses. Women, especially housewives do not see the world the same way men do (mostly)...

Status, wealth, competing with neighbors’, showing off in the social circle and among relatives is one of the most common cultural traits of Indians (sorry but the truth hurts).  Poor men are being shredded. They are preferred on birth not because they are god’s special little people; only because they can be turned into personal ATM’s for their families.

The Way Out

Gender Equality is only a word unless we take actions. As a woman, I recognize this pressure on men to earn and feed the entire family by themselves. This is not about thinking ‘oh poor guy, you have to wake up every morning and go to work’.  It is more like ‘hey, why don’t we both wake up and do the jobs we love, come back home, cook a lovely meal together and watch TV’.

I can speak on behalf of men that they don’t need our sympathy for being the breadwinners but they would certainly appreciate if we stop comparing them to other wealthy men, stop nagging them to buy the most expensive dress in the town, may be work from home or find a job, talk about our finances wisely with trusted bankers, stop asking AND offering dowry to show off how wealthy we are and finally stop preferring male child just so he would bring in cash.

When we speak of dowry, people see it only as a women’s issue but it is much more. It is after all the father, the sole breadwinner who pays for it. Isn’t that violence against men?

What Does the SLAP on Gauhar Khan Actually Mean? Is Indian Democracy is a JOKE ?

Gauhar Khan was publically hit on the face by a man who claims to be the best muslim man on earth probably which is why he thought that he had the right to 'slap' a woman because her dressing is not 'ISLAMIC'.

Objectification and sexualisation of women in the media around the world is an issue which needs a lot of debate and social change but harassing women in public is absolutely NOT the answer.

In general, Muslims feel that women like Sania Mirza or Gauhar Khan who gain fame and celebrity status are public property who they can make comments on. On this news, millions of muslims, many I know personally were happy and said that it was a good thing because these women are 'out of line'. According to them, this is not how 'a muslim woman must behave'.

On this I wonder,

Muslim men police around Muslim women to NOT wear skimpy outfits. But it is OK for Muslim men to watch non Muslim women wear skimpy outfits and become objects of their pleasure? What sort of Islam is that?

Women are considered a (public or private ) property of men who they can:

1. control- don't go out, don't see a man
2. harass- go out in a typical Muslim locality like Aminabad and you would know what I mean
3. objectify- they dance like hell on songs like Sheela ki jawani because women are like objects of desire for them
4. use- go make me tea, give me leg massage, go make me lunch
5. violate- rape, stalk or beat up women as and when they like

NOW CONSIDER THIS----

Salman Khan and Shahrukh Khan are Muslim actors too. Shahrukh married a non-muslim woman while Salman is well known for drunk driving. Other Muslims like Fardeen Khan and his dad Feroz Khan have stripped women off in their movies. But you will never see a Muslim 'SLAP' these men in public because 'they do not act the way a Muslim should'.

   

The problem in India with both Muslims and Hindus is that due to strong patriarchal beliefs, men tend to think that they are the 'GUARDIANS' of religion. They think they have the right to police others and preach religion and culture to women of their faith. Recently an incident at Lucknow Uinversity had the same outcome where some women were speaking about women empowerment and were harassed publically by ABVP guys claiming to be the guardians of Indian culture. BULL SHIT!!!

What I fail to understand is that why people don't see this as VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN?

Why is it OK to publically harass a woman in the name of religious policing but somehow heroic for a man?

Why don't people see that this is part of the same rape culture that blames the victim for the crime?

In this chaos, some people go as far as to claim that the actress did this for TRP! (seriously, no comments!)

Men in India believe that it is OK for men to whore around and beat up women in public. Not surprisingly, many women breathing under the same patriarchal darkness believe the same.

Keeping religious policing aside for a minute, India is the largest democracy in the world, as we know it. But in reality, I fail to see how INDIA can ever claim to be a democratic nation other than in papers. 

The true meaning of a democracy means equality and freedom at the core. I fail to see the equality and freedom in Indian culture at large where women are disgraced in public for their choices. 

Why do men feel priviledged enough to act like GOD in order to preach values?

Why can't women chose for themselves?

Why aren't other men not pointed, blamed or harassed when they do not conform to the religious or cultural values?

Harassment and violence is not what a progressive democratic society must use in any ways. 

However, when harassment also reflects INEQUALITY, its time to feel ashamed of the way we think and react to events like this. 

Thus, let me define DEMOCRACY for those of you who thought Gauhar Khan deserved the slap:

If Shahrukh married a non muslim woman, it is absolutely within his rights to choose whoever he wanted to marry.

If Salman wants to drink it is absolutely within his legal rights to do so as long as he doesn't drive and kill.

If Fardeen wants to dance around in whatever movie he wants, it is upto the censorship to decide whether it must be allowed in cinema or not.

If Gauhar wants to wear whatever she likes, it is absolutely within her legal rights. It is her body, her life, her choice. If Muslim men don't like it, shut your eyes and change the channel. 

PEACE OUT!

The Dark Side of Women: Men Beware- Watch Gone Girl

This post is a review and discussion of the recently released #Gone Girl, by writer #Gillian Flynn.

Let me begin by saying that I liked the entire movie but disliked the end. I don’t want to say why because that would be a spoiler for those willing to watch the movie.

Apart from the acting, dialogue and other cinematic aspects, I found the breaking of the gender stereotype extremely interesting.

We usually see men as psychopaths and criminals in the world. Women in movies like Fatal Attraction are depicted as obsessed crazy ex girl friends which gives them a motive to haunt the guy. However, it is fair to say that female characters are disproportionately portrayed as psychopaths and criminals in the media.

In Gone Girl, the character of Amy is a fresh attempt in itself because she is not the ex girl friend or an obsessed fan, she is his wife. A wife controlling and manipulating her husband is not a common thing to view.

 When the movie begins and Amy begins her side of the story, she had all my sympathy and I was disgusted by her husband, the way he was behaving and treating her.

I am single, never married so I cannot vouch for the tagline that marriage can be a real killer. But I do know that couples argue, sometimes agree to disagree and other times go too far to hurt each other and end up divorced. In most cases, the sympathy of the viewer is with the woman. It is easier to assume that the man must be abusive and violent because that is how our society raises men to be; emotionless, dominant and aggressive.

However, the fact is not all men are aggressive and violent.  Similarly, not every woman is a victim. Domestic violence is much more complex than one person oppressing another. What meets the eye isn’t always true. Women can be abusive not only towards men but also towards their own children. The dark side of women is usually not talked about.

The purpose of this post was to highlight the issue of feminism seen as the same as man hating. While feminism is a struggle for the rights of women, this wave of feminism is also advocating the rights of men, LGBTQ and asexual people. Specifically men.

I haven’t personally witnessed a woman as creepy as Amy in the movie, but I know few women who are extremely violent, aggressive, and competitive and have successfully isolated their husbands from their families.

To be fair and balanced in my approach to human rights and feminism, I don’t want a world where women’s rights are accomplished at the expense of innocent men and children. It’s not a parallel universe where things could be different; it’s here, now. The discussion of gender based violence is incomplete without recognizing the rights of men and children too.

For those of you who think feminism is all about criticizing and hating men, I have a message:

Yes, patriarchy must end but not replaced by matriarchy. Women being dominant and given more wages, respect and attention isn’t equality. It’s just a flipped version of what our society is today.

For the society to be progressive, it is crucial to respect human beings regardless of their gender, age, color, sexual orientation and sizes.

Gloria Steinem puts it correctly

#Gone Girl  #Gillian Flynn #genderstereotype

#fimreview

#womensrights

#feminism

#sexism

#mensrights

2 Lies We Need to Stop Telling Indian Men

Patriarchy hurts men too; I guess we already established that. The toxic myths of masculinity suppress men’s emotions and personalities altering the real person entirely.

Indian men have seen the worst of it because of extreme sexism, racism and classism.

When I say, ‘the rights of Indian men’, most people look at me with raised eyebrows. I don’t blame them. Since the last few years, all the cases of violence against women have been paramount. India has been labeled as the worst place in the entire world to be a woman. No doubt, women are suffering the burnout but I would like you to know a few things.

Let’s talk about rape. Do you know that 4% of men commit more than 97% of sexual offences? That means these men are repeat offenders. This also means that most men out there are not rapists. Although the stats are not from India but on average this statistic is applicable almost everywhere in the world give or take few numbers.

However, the male community shares that outrage with the actual criminals. If you think about it, the actual culprit here is the system- patriarchy. It’s not the men because they are victims too.

I know you may not want to admit that. After all the word victim somehow challenges their masculinity. But the truth is it’s just a myth. Masculinity does NOT imply that men cannot be vulnerable.

Read Here

Why Stereotyping All Women As Victims Is A Deadly Mistake Our Society Is Making

I was at a famous mall in Dubai. In the same cookies aisle as I was, there was a couple with a toddler. Malls in Dubai are magnanimous and probably the child was tired of walking. He was pestering his parents to buy some cookie and within minutes his words turned into loud screams. Both the parents pinned him by his arm and threw heavy weight palms to smash his face, back and whatever they could hit.

Read more here

3 Awesome #Blurred Lines Songs That Will Make You LOL And ROFL Like Never Before in Life

Hello my brilliant readers,

So, we had the #blurred lines song discussion since the pop song by Robin Thicke was out. Some of us loved it, many of us hated it because of the sexist lyrics, choreography (everything in fact) and made sure the song gets banned at as many places as possible.

However, since the song #blurred lines sort of was an open ended one point story out there,....there had to be answers right. The other part of the story that gives us the entire picture. You may have seen these videos before, but if you haven't, you will literally roll on the floor laughing until your stomach hurts. 

3rd best on the list is 

#GOAWAY

2nd best on the list is

#EVERYBIGOTSHUTUP :D

And the WINNER IS....

#DOUCHE

I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. There couldnt be a better way of responding to the chauvinistic, misogynistic songs like this. Keep up the good work all you THINKERS AND DOERS out there.

God Bless,

Love and Light

Shahla

#lamelines

Finding Me A Husband??? Here Is My Matrimonial Bio Data- GOOD LUCK

Arranged marriages in India are mainstream. A friend of the family has been extremely worried about me turning 28 and still single. Her worry can be felt in her questions every time we happen to chat such as:

“Poor you, why did you go for a PhD, now how are you ever going to find a man who doesn’t feel intimidated?”

“I can understand your pains how difficult it is to be without a man.”

“You must be sleepless at nights! How are you ever going to stop your biological clock until you find the perfect husband?”

“Send me your bio data, I will find you a rich family guy, I promise.”

Since, she insisted on the last one ad infinitum, I decided to make my matrimonial bio data at last and send it to her so she can find me a guy. Not to mention she blissfully ignores that there is an option of ‘voluntary singlehood’ that women can choose too, other than marriage. Anyways, here it goes…

Read more here...

6 COOL THINGS GUYS CAN DO TO STOP STREET HARASSMENT

Street Harassment is a form of violence agaisnt women that hurts when in public spaces in broad day light. Yet not many people speak against it. Any sort of flashing, commenting, staring, groping, mockery or extreme assault like rape MUST come to an end. A street is to use and enjoy for others as much as it is for you. Cool guys, you know, the ones who are not perverts.... can actually do a lot to help but sometimes they dont know how to. Here are some easy and quick ideas. For more information, please log on www.safespaceseurope.com

The Untamable Indian Woman

Yes, I am the one

The untamable, the un-trainable,

The one that got away,

The one you couldn’t discipline,

The one that did not listen,

To your billion year old tradition

Rather came up with her own mission

The mission to live life on her own terms

To spend every second the way she wants.

 You call me a control freak because you can’t control me.

You hate my wings, my ambitions.

You scare me with monsters in clothes of men

That threaten to rape, molest and harass,

Well guess what, you can’t do that any more

Cause men are now in my class.

They love me like a daughter and care for me like a brother,

And others just admire the woman that I am

Like a companion, a partner, a lover, a human.

You can’t force them to train me,

Surprise- surprise they hate you now more than ever

You can’t preach them to chain me.

Yup, I am guilty of living a life

Guilty of spitting in the face of patriarchy,

Save your BS male guardianship to yourself

I got no time for malarkey.

My best friends are not gold or diamond,

I believe in real people, who care,

Diamonds don’t hold hands or give hugs

People will always be there.

I used to believe in sacrifice and love,

Now I believe in dating more

I am not letting you ‘arrange’ my marriage

And dump a husband on me, I don’t adore.

Beware; I am not your ‘slim, tall, beautiful, fair’ girl

That you look for in your crappy ‘pick a spouse catalogue’,

I look messy, love cakes and don’t cook everyday

And I do love a healthy intellectual dialogue.

I am not changing my surname for any god damn reason,

I’m not quitting my entire life to wash your laundry,

Some call me selfish; some call me a bitch,

I call it being too smart for paltry.

A woman can move the earth, fly in the sky, run marathons, and dive in the oceans,

Kick, punch and compose and create and define, and encourage

But you only let her wash and clean and cook and shut up,

In the name of the holy institution of marriage.

Why is that? Why must she stay indoors?

Are you scared she will do everything better than you?

If not, let her live her life, her way

And see what happens, I dare you.

With love

From ‘the Untamable Indian Woman’

The Often Ignored Reality Of Male Rapes In India, And The Need For Its Legal Recognition

The Often Ignored Reality Of Male Rapes In India, And The Need For Its Legal Recognition

4 Most Common Impacts of Domestic Violence on Mental Health

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Find out more on www.safespaceseurope.com

5 Myths and Facts Around Sexual Assault

1 in 4 women are victims of sexual assault. Our perceptions need more corrections than laws. Learn and inspire others to share the facts to bring an end to assault.

5 Things That Shock Me About Priety Zinta's Complaint Against Ness Wadia

Priety Zinta, a famous Bollywood actress and entreprenuer recently filed a complaint against her ex boyfriend of 10 years at Mumbai Police Station. As one can imagine, the news spread like wildfire. When such issues come up in the mainstream media however, shocking reactions emerge. What shocks me about this case are 5 things:

1. Title- Love Gone Wrong on #ZEE NEWS
Zee News recently broadcasted a show titled 'Love Gone Wrong' where the media debated with a few panelists about it. Although the intent of the media seemed unskeptical, the way they handled it was ignorant and wrong on so many levels. As an author and researcher on violence against women, I see the title of the show as derogatory. Why couldnt they just say- Bollywood actress complains against such and such person... They said they tried to be sensitive to her feelings but if you see the the images, the music, the headings, subtitles, it is clear that it is catered more for the purpose of entertainment and gossip into a celebritys life. If you disagree with me, just think about this...

What if your relationship ended and it was publically discussed among people who you dont even know, passing their judgment on you? 

Would you even be able to bear if your private life was discussed in public like this? Actresses are professionals who entertain people but they are NOT public properties. Why dont people learn to draw boundaries? The news reporter said that she had been waiting at the gates of the actresses home all day but Priety did not come out and only tweeted that please do not make a soap out of my misery. Isnt that enough message that she needs privacy?

2. No Mention of Domesic Abuse
Another schoking fact is that NO ONE mentioned her complaints as domestic violence or abuse. She clearly said that this had been happening since a long time. For those of you who do not know,

a victim of domestic violence takes somewhere between 7 to 15 attempts to finally break up with her abuser. 

What Priety describes of Ness in her complaint is plain verbal, psychological and physical abuse if not sexual as Abha Singh debated. Since they had already broken up, his abuse could fall into the category of stalking but because they still kept seeing each other for professionals reasons, this is not stalking but domestic abuse.

Shockingly, none of the people on the panel recognized it as such. Ignorance isn't such a bliss.

3. Actress Needs Attention
It is shameful for Indians to even say such a thing. As an actress, she has more to loose than the reputation of an ordinary woman. But instead of her status, lets focus on the fact that when a woman from a poor household, uneducated family makes a complaint, she is disregarded by our so called patriarchal society for petty reasons like she isnt worth it, this is her life, deal with it. When an educated women from a high profile background makes such complaint, people say she seeks attention.
The oddly funny and ugly thing is

Indian society always finds an excuse to blame the woman. So much for VICTIM BLAMING.

4. Diplomatic answers from Bollywood
Rakhi Sawant may be hated in India for being a loud mouthed woman and her quirks but at least she had the guts to stand by Priety Zinta out of sheer faith. Rani Mukherjee and several other actors and actresses gave awfully diplomatic answers when the media questioned them about their opinions. Specifically Rani Mukherjee, who has been a co star of Priety's gave such a nonsensical reply. She was promoting her recently released film Mardani- which she claims is about "women empowerment". Please read how ignorant this movie and Rani Mukherjee herself are here.

But keeping the movie aside, this was a platform to stand in solidarity with a woman in real life, her fellow, her mate and she simply skipped over it saying this platform is for my movie only. WTF seriously. She did not even recognize Priety as a friend, instead merely as a colleague and a 'decent person'. Arent you promoting the rights of women? Or the naked truth is that you are ONLY promoting your movie and the reality does not bother you at all because Ness Wadia is a powerful man and you are scared may be...

Family, friends and fans can support the survivor without revictimization by simply not invading their privacy and saying we are with you. How difficult is that?

5. Ignorance on Trauma and Secondary Victimization of Victim
It seems like no one at all, from top to bottom has any concern for secondary victimization of the complainant. This is a case of psychological trauma where a woman has been abused and subjected to humiliation. But people do not seem to recognize that asking her story again and again or constantly quoting her FIR statements on the media accounts to prolong her trauma.

From the media, to the actors, institutes, politicians and community, India is a loooooooooonnnggg way to learn about violence against women which currently seem to be limited to candel light vigils and media entertainment.

Stay Safe, Stay Blessed,
XOXOX

PS
Love and Hugs to Priety, thats all you need lady!


#zeenews
#prietyzinta
#ranimukherjee
#rakhisawant
#india
#bbc
#upworthy
#TOI

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

6 Doable & Easy Actions to Uproot Human Trafficking- WEBINAR

Why do Indians Continue to Reinforce Ignorant Messages About Feminism and Gender Based Violence?

http://wp.me/p4THXv-1D

The Last Thing You MUST Know About #BlurredLines

#Blurred Lines has been one of the most talked about phrases since the song based on the same name created havoc last year. 

In case you haven’t heard it, you can easily find it on Youtube. It was banned at many student organisations due to the sexist lyrics and for promoting misogyny and rape culture. 

On the one hand you will see feminists protesting against the usage of this phrase completely rejecting its premise while on the other hand you will find a large number of young people who believe otherwise. Let’s dig deeper and find out what it means and why it’s important.

In the hook up culture, sexual double standards prevail, we all know that. This means, women who are open about their choices, dating preferences and lifestyle are often labelled as ‘promiscuious’ (using the better word).
Read more

What Are You Doing About RAPE

Are women allowed to laugh? (This question makes me ROFL)

Read here

The Story of Maryam Mirzakhani and a Misogynist

It began when I met my friends, a married couple for coffee.

“Hey Adam, did you see this news about Maryam Mirzakhani?”

“No, what is it about?”

“Well, she is a professor at Stanford University, now the first woman ever to win the Fields Medal, the highest honor possible for a mathematician and she is from your country!” I boasted as I shared her photograph on my phone.

After a moment he said, “She doesn’t look very pretty”.

Read further here

Are/Were Your Parents Friends With One Another? How does that impact on you?

For a while now we have been talking about friendship between men and women and how it is an important measure to bring an end to gender based violence. For this post I want to share something very crucial that shapes who you are today with regards to your beliefs around gender inequality. 

“Are your parents friends”?

Think of the time when you were a kid/baby…

Go as far as your memory allows.
Read here