What Mr Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi need to know about rape and false rape accusations

The media shocked the world recently when they broadcasted insensitive remarks of CM Mulayam Singh Yadav and Abu Azmi about rape:


 "rape accused should not be hanged. Men make mistakes... Handing death sentence for rape is not fair... boys make mistakes... there will be changes in the law if we come to power . Efforts will be made to change such a law so that those misusing it are punished. Those filing false reports will also be taken to task. When their friendship ends, the girl complains she has been raped." The SP chief was citing the recent example of the Shakti Mills gang rape case where a young photo journalist was gang raped by five men inside the compound, out of which three of the accused had also earlier raped a 19 year old girl. The three accused were given the death penalty. Following in the heels of Mulayam Singh, Abu Azmi of the Samajwadi Party went on to shock the nation further. According to a report in Mid-Day, he was quoted saying, "Rape is punishable by hanging in Islam. But here, nothing happens to women, only to men. Even the woman is guilty. In India, if you have sex with a person with consent, it's fine. But if that same person complains, it's a problem. Nowadays, we see a lot of such cases. Girls complain when someone touches them, and even when someone doesn't touch them. It becomes a problem then, and the man's honour is ruined in this. If rape happens with or without consent, it should be punished as prescribed in Islam."

Read more here, here and here.

The media, Bollywood and other prominent figures of India expressed their disgust and condemned this demeaning statement of our prominent politicians, but there is more to the story. These statements from people with power are not just personal opinions, they are proof that reflect illiteracy of these people with regards to human rights violations. It is lack of gender based education that makes people act this way.

In this article, you will find out the reality of false rape accusations.

Lesson # 1
Types of rape scenarios

The first thing you need to know about a rape accusation is that not all rapes are similar. There are different scenarios of rape that can be summarized under these headings:

Animalistic rape is one where the victim's body has been injured beyond repair or where weapons or tools have been used to inflict intentional pain.

Minor Rape is rape with anyone under 18, including infants.

Alcohol and drug Rape is one in which the victim is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If she is too drunk to drive, she is unable to give consent.

Gang rape is where more than one offender is involved for ex the gang rape that took place on Dec the 16th 2012 in Delhi.

Date Rape is when a male and a female are dating or in relationship when rape takes place.

Marital Rape is when the victim is married to the offender.

As you can clearly see that there are 6 kinds of rape scenarios and the possibility of a false rape accusation boils down to just the last 2!!!

There is no way any female would lie about the first 4 types because they are out of question. No human can destroy half their body on purpose just to accuse a man. Having intercourse with a minor is automatically rape with or without consent and every man must know that. Similarly drinking alcohol or taking drugs is NOT illegal in India for neither men nor women. But that certainly does not give others the right to take advantage of a drunk person, male or female. Same applies to gang rape.

Lesson # 2

Speaking of date rape and marital rape...

Yes, there are chances that few women might lie about being raped for whatever reason and our politicians seem to be much more worried about the false rape accusations than that of the real ones.

Again there are few myths that need to be cleared here:

Rape and False rape accusations are two entirely different issues. False accusations are common in all crime activities and comparably much lesser in rape crimes. Fighting for justice for a rape victim is equally important to fighting for the rights of an innocent man. Please note that neither of these two must be compromised under the benefit of doubt.



From what our patriarchal male society and these politicians suggest, there is clearly a benefit of doubt being given to men by compromising the rights of a rape victim.

Lesson # 3

Actual rape cases vs false rape cases

I understand the concern of our politicians though and have put together these statistics because numbers don't lie, right?

A recent report claimed that over 35% of rape cases were found fake last year after police investigation.

Meaning, in every 100, there are 35 women lying about rape.

Now consider the fact that "Ninety percent of the rape cases in India go unreported".

This would mean that the actual rape victims in India are many more than we know of. The ratio between real rape victims and false rape would be something like 155:35

While false rape accusations are an issue, it is a much smaller number in comparison to the mounting rape cases that actually happen in every day life of an Indian woman.

Lesson # 4

The woman that lies about rape:

The truth about women who claim to be raped falsely is also worth noting.

Many women take back their own claims or give a statement that they lied about it in marital cases. Often the husband is the man they love and when he asks for forgiveness and make promises, the woman has a change of heart and takes back her claims. Please note that, taking back these charges do not mean that the crime did not occur. It simply means that the woman is trying to be merciful, either for the sake of her children or her memories with that man.

In a country like India, women are also threatened for life if they report their rapists. More often than not, despite the FIR being registered, even the Police advises the victim and their family to take back their claims. This was clearly evident from the episode of Satyamevjayate by Amir Khan on fighting rape.

In the above horrendous case, how can one ever weigh the severity of rape cases against false accusations?

On one hand where thousands and thousands of young kids, girls, old women and happy women are ruined like plastic toys, are we really more worried about a few false accusations?

I am not saying that those falsely accused are of any less importance. Every living being has the right to justice, be it a man or a woman.

But if we live in a society where women can accuse men of false rape, why don't we teach our men to be careful???

Honestly, I have never heard or read any rules or guidebook advising Indian men to be careful with what sort of women they sleep with. Recently, there was a case in the news about a married woman who claimed to be falsely raped to hide an extra marital affair. In such cases, why don't we blame the man to make a choice to date a married woman in the first place? At this point, I can't say if the woman's claim is true or false but if I was a man, I would be careful in my actions.

Lesson # 5

Advice for men

As an activist for human rights, I truly think that instead of blaming women for everything that goes wrong in sexual assault cases, we must rather educate men on making wise choices. Here are a few pointers:

1. Don't sleep with any person under 18
2. Don't sleep with anyone on first few dates, unless you know her truly and are absolutely sure that she consents.
3. Don't sleep with anyone who is drunk even if they insist.
4. Don't assume you have anyone's consent if they are shy.

Lesson # 6

The 7th kind of rape: Manipulative Rape

Manipulative Rape is a special kind of rape. This is the grey area of all rape investigation. This is a scenario where the offender rapes a victim, not through violence or aggression but manipulation. This rape is the most difficult to prove because the victim may not have made any noise and there may not be any injuries on her body. For ex, if a doctor rapes a patient in the name of examination, or if a religious authority rapes a victim by taking advantage of her superstitious beliefs etc

This rape can be prevented to some extent by education. In most cases women are unaware of their rights and young girls are too scared or embarrassed to even understand what exactly has happened with them. Nevertheless, it must not be given any benefits of doubt and with the help of forensic science and polygraphs, I believe false accusations can be detected early and easily.

Lesson # 7

Even when a woman does lie about rape...

As mentioned above, the chances or rather statistics of women lying about rape accusations is really low. 

Nevertheless it happens and when it does happen, the alleged accuser or the woman goes through a greater degree of scrutiny and investigation than the alleged rapist. 

Her character is questioned.

Her company of friends, upbringing, family background, profession...

She runs the risk of losing her life.

Her eating and drinking habits, in fact every single aspect of her life is questioned in detail.

She has to relive the entire horrendous experience while answering questions. 

And mind you, the questions are ugly, embarrassing and too personal, invading the entire privacy of an individual. 

On being accused of false claim, she runs the risk of being abandoned by her personal and social circles. But in a country like India, just by admitting rape, the victim as well as her family faces a social boycott by the society. 

Please use your common sense and ask yourself, isn't that too big a price to pay for a false accusation???

Yes, there are false accusations but so does every other crime, why should only a rape victim's plea be discounted? 

Indian women are dynamic and when few can be Sania Mirza and Kalpana Chawla, there may be hundreds or thousands more, waiting to be discovered, only if we allow them to thrive. Women's safety must never be questioned because what father or brother would not want their sister's or daughter's to be safe? 

"Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses. "

Marie de Vichy-Chamrond

Love and Light

Shahla Khan

#rape #assault #TOI #NDTV #False rape #Mulayam Singh yadav #Abu Azmi #Satyamev Jayate #Amir Khan #justice #India #womens rights #human rights #violation 

8 People you must AVOID sitting next to at a WEDDING

Hey my Beautiful readers,

Weddings are an integral part of our society and celebrations are great to meet people you never usually see. Nevertheless, some weddings suck if you are around the WRONG people...(especially if you are SINGLE)

Here is a list of those you must totally avoid:



1. A recently married couple
This couple would not stop bragging about their honeymoon and all the newly wed romance. Occasionally they will remind you about your single life and keep giving unwanted examples: "for example...see Mike and I are so happy that we got married..."blah blah blah














2. Mother of an eligible boy/girl   

Mothers literally go hunting during weddings. I have seen a neighbour of mine seem to introduce/advertise her daughters to every wealthy lady in the party just so she could get them in the 'eligible girls' frame. Desperation, god, desperation

3. You Ex
Goes without explanation but if you think hanging out with your ex would be a good idea, think again. Do you really want to know how great he/she has done after breaking up with you? And are you sure it wont bother you after the party? Or may be you want to renew your logical reasoning on why you broke up with them....













4. Father of an eligible bachelor
This dude is not to blame, it seems pretty natural.Nevertheless it starts to suck for others when this guys keeps bragging about how great their son is doing, he has got a wonderful job and how much he is earning. Time to time he will ask how much you earn and where you work. His son can offer work related advice if you are unemployed or still working at a retail centre hoping that your dream job could work out.














5. Any old lady over 50s
This is some serious industrial level UNWANTED ADVICE CENTRE! They will keep asking you about your single life. Why don't you get married? You are ageing, you need to settle down etc etc They will even try to hook you up with their sister's husband's cousins's uncle's son.





6. Couple who has just celebrated the wedding of their kids
This couple would not shut up bragging about how their son-in-law and daughter are travelling around the world and enjoying their honeymoon. Every second will be full of advice; from how to find a big fish son-in-law to which airport their daughter is tweeting from right now! You will go crazy but they would not even realize.







7. New MOTHERS
While I love kids, I have to say- avoid new moms. If I know the Mom, I usually prefer to hang out with the baby alone, so I take the baby and go for a little walk. I cannot even tell you how many parties I have been to where I spent time hanging out with babies or under 10 kids. (Talk about mature company right?) But when you sit near their moms..........you would either hear how Einstein-of-a-baby she has given birth to ORRRRRRR she would keep complaining that she isn't getting any sleep and that having a baby is like this and like that...











8. THE SALAD EATING CHICK
Every party has some, I am sure you will notice these. I personally do not go to weddings every now and then but when I do, I put on a limited amount of food on my plate (buffet dinners) and eat what I like without pretending to be one of those nerve racking 'I am too slim to eat party food' kind of b@@@@@@. Healthy diet is a part of our daily routine and there is NO doubt about it. But people who come to weddings and make others feel guilty or point out on their food are awful. They would say things like "OMG how oily is that...I don't know how you can eat it, I could NEVERRRR digest that"  or  "OMG I am totally ditching my diet tonight because of you, I don't usually eat this stuff" If you love food, like me, avoid this person.

There can be many more but these are the main ones... Share your insights and people you usually avoid when you go to parties.

Happy Singlehood :)

Love & Light

#wedding #annoying  #irritating #single  #matrimonial  #hunt  #groom #bride #aunt

Is India a Nation of PERVERTS?

Disclaimer: This article is written to initiate healthy debate and/or inform the larger global audience. Hence, a healthy debate is welcome, DOUCHE BAGS are not.

Every Indian might feel defensive on reading the title.But seconds later after they realize what this is about, they would understand its full context. For an Indian living in India, it may come across as offensive even. But for an Indian living abroad, this is a question others ask us and the conversation goes like this:
"Hey, you're an Indian right?
Yea, indeed I am.
Wow, great.... do you think India is a nation of PERVERTS?"

Sometimes the question is subtle, other times more direct.

Is India a Nation of PERVERTS?

No, the above question is NOT racist because I am an Indian woman and it is about my own race.

When you are born in a specific country, you get a tradition or custom or some natural resource as a ‘Legacy’. If you are born as a female in India, what you get as a Legacy is: rape, sexual assault, molestation, harassment, shame (for being a woman), another person controlling your sexuality(and much more including your choice to dye your hair) and the gift of ‘man-child’ in the form of male companions.

You may detect some extremism or some form of psychological hostility in my statement about Legacy for Indian women above, but let me take this further.

Recently, Mulayam Singh Yadav, a renowned Politician (of a state where I lived) recently said and I quote "rape accused should not be hanged. Men make mistakes... Handing death sentence for rape is not fair... boys make mistakes... there will be changes in the law if we come to power. Efforts will be made to change such a law so that those misusing it are punished. Those filing false reports will also be taken to task. When their friendship ends, the girl complains she has been raped."

Read more here and here.

(By the way, when I was at the State’s national university, University of Lucknow, this politician’s son was my junior. Every single student and staff at the university can tell you the tales of these young men(him and his supporters) harassing female teachers and coming for an exam only to place a gun on the table, get a book out and copy paste on their answer sheets)

Similar remarks were heard from various other politicians when the Delhi Gang-rape event of December 2012 brought international shame to India. From ‘women crossing her limits by going out in the night’ to being a straight prostitute if she has a male friend or wears a jeans, we have heard it all.

See here. 

A recent video called NO COUNTRY FOR WOMEN puts it best. It is so far the perfect picture of India where women are either placed on a pedestal as Goddesses, as objects of sexual desire in Bollywood or as animals, beaten up and humiliated for being women. They are treated as everything but human.

The culture in confusion

The sorry  state of women in India has turned barbaric in the recent years or has it always been like this is difficult for me to say because I have lived in India during the 2000s and what was it like before, is unknown area. But what I do observe is a very ugly cultural dilemma.

The younger generation is obsessed with Westernization. Be it clothing, music, cinema or lifestyle, to be modern in India is to talk in English and consider Hindi speaking crowd as a bunch of uneducated or illiterate low lives. The problem with embracing Westernization is that it is far more complex than a pair of shorts and Bruno Mars. Westernization or Western culture has its own merits and demerits but one of the best features of Westernization is ‘open mindedness. A pair of jeans does not make you Western, but embracing the thought of choosing your own attire and letting others chose for themselves is modernity and Westernization.

The rich society of India comprises of kids of politicians, actors and high profile businessmen. A portion of this pie would wear Western clothing, enjoy pubs and night outs etc. The extremists on the other hand try to act like cultural police or moral police who hide across the country and find opportunities to attack these men and women as a defense mechanism to ‘protect the heritage and culture of India’. The middle class is divided between the two life styles and try to grab a slice of both pies. For example, while in school or college, young girls try to experience this so called modern lifestyle by hanging out with male friends, have relationships, travel a little, smoking, wearing revealing outfits etc. They do this behind their parents because until you are married, your parents have much more control over you in India as compared to the control of parents over young adults in Western countries.

This is because they are very well aware that once they get married, they will be totally under the husband’s control and have no personal freedom to live life on their own terms. And did I mention ‘arranged marriage’? The fact is and I quote again, “At 34.2 percent, India's rate of female participation in the labor force is the lowest of any of the BRIC countries, according to U.N. statistics. Women make up 42 percent of college graduates in India, yet even those with diplomas are expected to let their careers take a back seat to caring for husband, children, and elderly parents.” 

So, we are grown up and told at schools to study hard and get a degree but NOT to make a career; just to impress an educated ‘man-child’of a guy who can control our lives.

Hence, the confused culture.

Read here.

The dilemma of shame

Rape is a lot to do with consent and allegedly with shame. There is no doubt that cinema impacts our lives and our culture vastly, specially as young adults, the typical age of high dopamine and testosterone. Bollywood is fantastic and I am a big fan of Yash Chopra movies, but the culture-cinema team implies a very unique picture of sexual consent in Bollywood and hence in Indian culture.

From early movies until the 90s ones, a typical hero is the turned on freak who is trying to chase the ‘shy’ heroine and convince her for sex. Watch  here and here. The heroine is supposed to say ‘no’.  If she initiates sex or does not act ‘shy’ and chaste, she is automatically judged as a loose moral slut. This makes a very important point about the perception of consent in Indian culture.

Don’t get me wrong on the songs. I adore all these actors, singers and music but I also admit that this created a horrible perception about consent in the minds of Indians about females consenting for sex.

In this particular song, just notice the expressions of the heroine. If it was not the 1966 but 2014, he would go in for molestation straight, (at least in non Asian countries). And the heroine is cursed because she is interested in him but notice the way she is expressing consent (by turning him down over and over again).

Another noticeable fact is the difference between the songs above and the songs from the recent past (watch NO COUNTRY FOR WOMEN for the best summary). There has been a transformation, a major one to be noted. And that is from the chaste, shy and self controlling woman to an object of sexual desire. At least in these old songs, the only consolation is that they were treated like humans and there was decency and respect.

For some reason, we put a hell lot of emphasis on "shame" or in  Hindi- 'IZZAT KA SAWAAL HAI'... 

But the concept of shame is different for males and females. What is shameful for a woman to do, is a matter of pride for the male. Masculinity and femininity are so far apart that the amicable connection between a man and a woman is like a distant dream. 

To sum up, either an Indian female is a sexually controlled chaste moral robot of a human or she is a tissue, an object of use and throw. She is either so full of shame that she’d kill herself if you touch her or she is shameless. I wonder who invented the word ‘shame’…

"Masculinity is so much to do with shame. Men would kill for shame and women would die for it"

- unknown

The gift of a ‘man-child’

I mentioned in the opening paragraph that Indian women get a ‘man-child’ of a male life partner through the system of an arranged marriage as a Legacy of the so called Great Indian culture. The process of finding the holy, so called God chosen, destiny MAN cum OWNER of a females life (even in highly educated and wealthy families) begins with advertisements. Yes, you read it right, kind of like the ones we place on Gumtree looking for a flat or for an old couch to sell in the UK or Craigslist in the USA. See these pictures and you will know what I mean.

And………….

The reward for being a fair, slim, beautiful and educated girl in the early twenties is a ‘MAN-CHILD’.

I have a statistical proof to use this term. 70% of Indian women suffer domestic violence which means 70%of men are beating them up. This attitude of domestic violence begins with throwing tantrums when they don’t get their way or feel emasculated for some silly reason. For example, I am sure you have encountered some kid at a grocery store at some point, asking his mom for a candy and when she refuses, the kid is straight on the floor banging his head, yelling and screaming as if someone has taken his kidney out???

It’s OK for this kid in the grocery store to some extent because it’s a kid after all. Another version of this kid is when he is married and has kids of his own, he asks his wife for tea and if she forgets, gets late or plainly refuses, instead of banging his own head on the floor this time, he will bang the wife’s head and yell and scream at her, the same way, ditto. This is a ‘man-child’.

Other characteristics of a ‘man-child’ are that the wife is supposed to wash, dry and fold his laundry, feed him, clean after him, place hi wallet, keys and shoes at set places when he arrives home, provide him tea every 30 minutes like a born barista assistant, not pick up phone calls when he is around because he just might need anything any second and she cannot be busy, stay away from old school and college mates because it might trigger his freakish jealousy induced mood swings etc etc etc

So, is INDIA a nation of perverts?

One might argue that I have cherry picked these examples and this is a very selective, subjective or biased way of looking at India. Actually, it is not. It is all bare disturbing truth, fortunately now recognized by various organizations, philanthropists and young Indians. The answer for the above question thus is “we are more than half way there”.

We will be titled as the nation of perverts if we do not bring an end to these orthodox ancient rules about the so called chaste woman’s consent. If we keep excusing our sons for rape and treating our daughters like objects of control and limitations. I don’t know what Sita did and why she was punished because to be honest it is doesn't matter anymore. It is a mythical tale of Hinduism and with all respect to the faith itself; it is a tale of the past. What the present and the future need is peace and freedom. Instead of chanting of 1957 tales of India’s Independence, we rather battle for freedom that has now been castratized by own men and women.

While there are perverts and man-child of guys out there in majority, there is a very tiny, small minority who do not think that way. If they embrace Westernization, they do so with an open mind. And if they chose to keep their values traditional, they respect women and care for them as true companions. Either ways, this small group does not judge women but rather supports them. Women can be perverts too and there are many out there. The ones that believe that men have all the right to beat their wives up; the ones that believe that their sexuality must be controlled by a man because somehow they are dumb enough to mishandle it!?!?!

Pervert Politicians make pervert nations. That is for sure. But in a country where a penny worth of aluminum mug in the public urinals (for washing up) has to be chained to the wall for fear of theft, I am sure it needs much more than an intelligent politician. If you are an Indian, please save India from being a 100% Pervert nation, one pervert at a time. Begin with yourself, right now.

Love and Light

#domesticviolence #mulayam singh #rape #india #debate #perverts #arranged marriage #consent #sexuality #control #hope #women #feminism #feminist #westernization #revolt #shame #masculine #TOI #BBC #NDTV #Yami Singh

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Congratulations You've Failed

by Shahla Khan

Giveaway ends July 01, 2014.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

What just touched my heart?

Hello my beautiful readers,

Something just touched my heart and I want to share it with you.
When all the politicians in the world were busy killing Muslims in the Middle East, somewhere in a parallel universe, Jews and Muslims were hugging each other.

Watch this video to find out what am I talking about... What just touched my heart?

Respects and Love,
Shahla

PS. I pray we all learn to live at peace with each other

Coming home for summer? ~ By Shahla Khan

Hello my beautiful readers,
I am pretty excited to share my recently published poem with you.Here it goes...

Coming home for summer?
Well, it’s a long story, you see!

I get asked this question often,
When the sunshine is warm and pleasant,
People pack up and leave in haste,
For family reunion bliss.

I remember how home felt,
The fragrance of Biryani in the air,
Mom, busy preparing to welcome me,
Dad arranging a proxy at his office,
For a day off, so he could pick me up,
My five-year-old brother jumping with joy,
For the toys I would bring as gifts.

When I left home he was an infant,
I remember the day of my departure,
I did not even go to his room,
He was asleep and I was too weak.

To read more Visit here.

Co-education vs. gender-based education? Mistakes, Muslim parents make while deciding schools for their children.

PUBLISHED IN THE MILLI GAZETTE JANUARY ISSUE 2014

We already are well aware of the thin literacy rates among Indian Muslims. A large majority of this thin population is sent only to same gender schools. I remember, while I studied in Lucknow (a city with dense Muslim population), I never had more than four Muslims in my classroom. The conventional Islamic wisdom of men and women gatherings in separate areas is well lived until today. Sadly, it makes Indian Muslims look like a bunch of double standard, non secular hobbits who cannot be loyal friends with anyone. Non Muslims also send their children to same gender schools, not just Muslims, but they have different reasons. Most importantly, is it worth it?

As far as imagination can possibly think, the main reason for choosing same gender school for their kids is because these parents are afraid that their children might get attracted to the opposite gender and do un-Islamic things which bring shame upon the family. They might elope or get into wrong company. Their hearts might close to Islam and they may adopt non Islamic habits and rituals etc. think about it honestly, cant they do all this stuff in the same gender schools?

For a moment, let us consider what happens when you send your child to a same sex school. Since, this axe befalls on the female gender largely, think about an all girls school. When your kid see only girls around, the first impression she gets as a child, is that a boy is forbidden. As human psychology dictates, this creates an extra curiosity and interest in your girls mind about the opposite gender. What did curiosity do to the cat, remember? The same happens with the growing young woman and she finds it more and more rebellious to just speak with a man, which incites her curiosity furthermore. In a co education school system, this barely happens because gender disparity is negligible and young boys and girls interact with each other WITHOUT considering the gender in the weird way.

Another important element missing in a same gender school is the gender related etiquette. In a girl’s college, for example, girls gossip and talk about issues and the opposite gender in the rudest manner possible. If a girl student’s brother is lost alone in the corridors of a girl’s school, he is most certainly going to be bullied, if not harassed. While in a co education school system, both the girls and boys learn to behave and interact with each other respectfully and un- offensively. By separating our girls and boys at the very young age, we are creating an unnecessary sexual tension between our kids and killing their opportunity to learn how to behave with the opposite gender.

 India is a multi cultural nation and you cannot guarantee that the next place your daughter will visit will be an all women kind of a place, professionally or personally. NO, you cannot guarantee that. But what is guaranteed to happen is that when a young woman who has never interacted with the opposite gender has to speak with him for any reason, she either gets nervous (then suffers from gender inferiority complex) or she feels she has met the man of her life (as she does not know any other men at all). This same gender ideology works in Saudi Arabia because the nation is accustomed to it BY DESIGN, India is NOT! India is a secular nation and this makes an Indian Muslim truly unique and commendable, because of the challenges they face and the cultural dilemma they solve in everyday life. I remember a friend who got so frustrated with her parents, isolating her from the opposite gender (not letting her work or study), saying “why don’t they even marry me to a woman, if the thought of any man even speaking with me bugs them so badly”.

Moving with age, a young woman who has been sent to a same gender school always, will most certainly be married in the conventional “arranged” manner, (if she has not already eloped with the milk man or the newspaper guy or the plumber). Arranged marriages have been running in India for centuries and most people take pride in this tradition, basing it on the statistics of success rates of such marriages. This is why Social Sciences and qualitative research is a thriving profession now because numbers DON’T tell you the whole story. The reason for the success rates of arranged marriages is because most of these girls have been educated in same gender schools, if at all educated. They suffer from gender inferiority complex and personality disorders. Their development and growth only includes the vague notions of old cultures placing women under the feet of men. I remember the words of a close friend, struggling to make her marriage work, “I cannot enter Paradise, unless my husband agrees to it”. Women are made to think that their deen, dunya and akhira are dependent completely on their husband, no matter how big of a jerk he is. Arranged marriages are not necessarily happy marriages, in fact not marriages at all in many cases. They are only deals and compromises where women are forced to stay with their jerk-of-a-husband because they are aware that they will be blamed if the marriage snaps. They will also be looked down upon if they go back and live with their parents and if they have children, their life becomes all the more hell.

In a way, we have closed all doors for Indian Muslim women. You did not educate them enough so that they can go out and earn a decent living for their sake. The result is that they have to slave themselves for their entire lives for a man who does not deserve them, to run a marriage which is more of a money vs woman’s beauty deal and to win the approval of a society which blames women and makes her pay the price of even just being a woman. On the other hand, women who study in co education school systems may be out going and career oriented. And yes, they may consider their options and bring a man home to introduce to their family. Doesn’t it actually solve the whole “searching process” for the family and makes their life much easier? And yes, the divorce rates for arranged turned love marriages may be higher. But the only reality that indicates is that these women were strong enough to come out of relationships in which they were not appreciated and are now enjoying freedom. This is why Allah (s.w.t) said that divorce is NOT forbidden. It is least preferred by Him, but yet not forbidden.

Thus, it all starts from an early age when your kids barely understand what gender means. As parents you chose for them and Allah (s.w.t) has ordained you to choose the best for your children. Sending your girl to an all girl’s school will NOT necessarily make her a pious girl and sending your son to an all boy’s school will neither make him a women-respecting, non violent, sensitive gentleman. It is YOUR upbringing that will make your daughter a pious woman and your son a gentleman. Small minds work that way- considering that an all girl’s school will solve all the problems of your life. India is a country where gender disparity shows its ugly face in the form of barbaric incidents. If you want to keep your daughters safe, teach your sons to respect and protect women. And start it from the school.

Shahla Khan